Dear Diary: Jam You To Hell

Well, it happened. My love affair with jam and peanut butter began again last night. It was not a huge binge and actually my husband was the one who intervened. He literally stood right next to me, said nothing, and would not leave. Anyone who has experienced a binge, knows that you do not stuff down your feelings in front of anyone; it is supposed to be a secretive thing. So his presence alone was enough to shake me out of my binge zone.

So why was I bingeing?

I was frustrated. I was frustrated that I came home from my first day of work and was starving. I was frustrated that I my husband did not seem to take interest in asking me about my first day at work. I was frustrated that my house was still in boxes. I was frustrated that the yoga class I had taught that evening was not my best. I was frustrated that that we did not have any groceries. I was just… frustrated. So I had dinner and then continued to eat chocolate and peanut butter and jam.

What did I learn?

I learned that I need to take more food to work so that I do not come home starving. I learned that my perception of reality is not actually reality. When I came through the front door, I was pissed off and therefore why would anyone (i.e. my husband) want to enter a conversation with me? I learned that I if I had gone grocery shopping the day before, I would have had a more satisfying dinner and therefore would have not wanted to binge as easily. The biggest thing I learned though is that bingeing is not as satisfying as it has been in the past. I think this is because in the past, I was using bingeing as a way to make myself exercise. Therefore, the binge foreshadowed an accomplishment i.e. working out. But these days, being further away from the jaws of ED, I just move on with my day and think to myself “oh well.” I don’t agonize over my “mistake”, instead I learn from it. So damn you to hell strawberry jam. I learned that you suck. Raspberry is way better.