If you were to ask me what my ideal number on the scale would be 10 years ago, I would probably say 115 lbs. It is what I weighed in high school before becoming anorexic.
If you were to ask me what my ideal number on the scale would be 12 months ago, I would probably say 125 lbs. I got married around that number, I am able to sustain a period at that number, and it brings my BMI to 20.8 (I am 5’5″) which is still within normal range. Btw, I think BMI calculations are useless since it doesn’t account for muscle mass.
If you ask me today what my ideal number on the scale would be, I honestly would shrug my shoulders. The pressure to be an exact number from the past is not a priority anymore. Don’t get me wrong; would I love to be a healthy size 2 and be able to wear bandage dresses? Sure. Could I actually achieve that? Probably. But the only way for ME to get there is with ED and that is not something that I am willing or wanting to do.
I am here to say: Throw your magic number out the window! Stop comparing yourself to others. No more ” I have to get back to pre baby weight”. No more “I want to be 40 years old and still fit into my wedding dress”. I am not trying to take away your successes; if you are 30 and still fit into your 20 year old jeans, good for you! Honestly, that is amazing! But for me, someone with a history of ED, it is too much pressure and unrealistic. Besides the fact that a lot of women can weigh 140 lbs at one point in their life and then weigh 140 lbs at another point in their life and look totally different. As Queen Elsa says, “Let it go!”
Remember that your body is basically just a vessel and what is on the inside is so much more important than the outside. So corny right? I know. But it is SO true! I have lived so many years hating my body, hating myself because I did not like the way I looked, letting my mood be determined by my weight and what I ate and didn’t eat. It is exhausting. Literally exhausting. When you have ED it is so easy to say to yourself, ” if I was 5 lbs lighter I would be happier”, “if I was 125 lbs and not 130 lbs my life would be better”. Believe me, this is NOT the case. Stop saying those things. They are not true. You would still be unhappy and your life would not be better off because you have not fully gotten rid of ED! Think of someone whom you admire? Perhaps it is a friend or colleague or family member. Why do you admire them?… I bet the size of their waist is not on your list.
My new ideal body “weight” is not a number but rather a feeling that I strive for. Do I feel happy in my body? Do I feel confident in my body? Do my clothes feel good on my body? And not clothes from 5 years ago, but your current clothing. If the answer is no to these questions, then ask yourself: Are my feelings valid? Do I actually believe these answers to be true or is ED pressuring me (weighing me down) to look a certain way? Try be as honest with yourself as you can be because remember, feelings are not facts. Even though there are days that I feel, fat, I am not actually fat. So every time you pull up your shirt to look at your stomach in the mirror, or anytime you look at your profile in the big windows of Wells Fargo as you jog by and check out your butt… reflect and ask: Is ED unhappy or am I unhappy with what I see? Do I need to change or do I want to change…? And who am I changing for?… ED? Society? My spouse? My employer?… or me? (the answer should be me)… and if the answer is me, then it is OK to make a healthy change. Key word: healthy.
Dealing with ED is very consuming and so a lot of the time you lose your identity and the line of where ED begins and you begin gets blurred. If you still resonate more with ED than NED seek help because ED can be a slippery slope…and if you are still actively with ED, in no way am I encouraging losing weight.
Yours,
Robin