Confidence.
If someone were to ask me to list my personality traits, confidence would not be at the top, in fact I am not sure it would even make the top 10. This always surprises people since I have taught yoga or barre classes for the last 6 years… to a room full of other women… in front of a full-length mirror… in spandex.
Lacking confidence was partly why I ended up with ED. I have always been very shy and that shyness mixed with insecurity is not a great cocktail. And then ED came along and promised me all these amazing things: a boyfriend, more friends, abs, and confidence. ED is an amazing manipulator and so I trusted ED… and we all know how that turned out.
So how did someone with shyness, lack of confidence and a past with ED, become a group fitness instructor? I am sure a part of it was ED’s doing: “Let’s have a job where you can move around and not have to sit in a chair all day” i.e. burn more calories. But I also think it was my way to fake confidence in the hopes to one day actually obtain the real deal. Fake it till you make it right? No matter how shitty my day had been (and really all that means is how unhealthy I ate that day), I had to portray confidence when teaching my classes because who wants to go to an exercise class where the instructor is not confident?!
I think the biggest advice I can give someone trying to recover from ED (or anyone really) and gain back their confidence, is to take a risk. Whether that be quitting your job, signing up for Eharmony (how I met my husband), or going your whole vacation without stepping foot into a gym, TAKE A RISK! Risks foster confidence. I took a risk and moved to Seattle and that is when ED started to become less of a presence in my life. Stepping out of your comfort zone is the healthiest thing you can do when trying to break up with ED. ED wants you to be insecure, and alone, and sad, and depressed, and feel worthless. The smaller you feel (figuratively speaking and literally speaking), the more control ED has. The minute you step out of your comfort zone (and believe me it will get VERY uncomfortable) ED will have less control over you. It is super scary, but in my opinion it must be done. Believe it or not, the smaller ED becomes, the more confidence you will gain because YOU will be in control of your life, not ED. Even though confidence may not be in my top 10 traits, I can confidently say that each year I gain more confidence. Always a work in progress, right?
…See?! ED really is like that awful ex boyfriend! He saunters in, gives you a wink and promises you a more fun and exciting life… and then he becomes a huge asshole and you start to wish you had never met him. The confidence that ED once gave you starts to diminish and all you feel is alone. Only when you break up with ED, do you realize your self-worth.
You know the line from Legally Blonde?… “Endorphins make you happy and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands”? Well it’s sort of like that: Risk-taking builds confidence and confident people don’t date loser boyfriends like ED”.
Yours ,
Robin