I became anorexic at age 15 ( I am currently 29). I was a normal teenager, living with a normal family in the Bay Area. I am the youngest of three kids. My parents are still married to this day. Looking from the outside in, I would assume you would think that my life was pretty easy… and it was. But I always struggled with confidence and self esteem and needed something to control. For me it became food. I never stopped eating all together, but became very restrictive. A typical eating schedule for me looked like this:
Breakfast: cheerios (nonfat milk) topped with strawberries
Snack: nonfat yogurt and a handful of almonds
Lunch: half of a whole wheat veggie sandwich (no mayo)
Snack: apple
Dinner: chicken, salad (no dressing)
I remember what I ate, because I literally ate the same thing every day until I was admitted to the hospital. I also remember at times sneaking a spoonful of peanut butter in the morning without wanting anyone to see. Along with this very restrictive diet, I also played 2 hours of basketball every day for my high school team. Once basketball season was over, I became obsessed with going to the gym. I was an angry, depressed, mean person, and was certain the only way to gain happiness was to lose more weight.
2004, 2 months before entering hospital
I became anorexic in May 2004 and was sent to be evaluated for anorexia nervosa in October 2004. My mom made the appointment and I was certain I would pass whatever test they gave me. Weighing in at 99 lbs ( I am 5’5″) and having a resting heart rate of 30 bpm (normal is 60-80), I did not pass and was admitted to the hospital. After drinking enough Boost and maintaining a normal heart rate and body temperature, I was allowed to go home after 12 days. One more week of bed rest at home and I was ready to go back to my junior year of high school. I now weighed 115 lbs.
Meal plans, weekly nutrition check-ins and weekly therapy appointments were pretty much my life (and my mother’s life) for the next 3 months. I finally got my period back and was able to stop seeing the nutritionist. Therapy would continue for many years after. I jumped from therapist to therapist. Some were helpful, some were not. At times it felt like they were trying to get me to confess to something, something that they could then throw up their arms and say “ahh now THAT is why you have an eating disorder”. Most of the time I felt like they wanted me to admit to some kind of abuse. But at the time, I did not have a concrete reason as to why I was the way I was.
2 months after recovery
8 months after recovery
Skip forward a couple years (now age 20, weighing 125 lbs) and I am at community college pursuing…something (I changed my mind every 2 weeks). And then one day my brother decides to go on a backpacking trip through Asia and I decide to go with him. I pause school and work full-time for 6 months at Sprinkles Cupcakes (one of my favorite jobs still to this day) to save money. And then I am off for 4 months, visiting 12 countries. When I come back home I have lost 10 lbs. As soon as I get home (literally the day after), I start to binge.
Malaysia, 2009
One month later I move to Santa Barbara to go to yet again, another community college. This time with the desire to take business courses to someday own my own restaurant. I drop out of school within 3 weeks. My bingeing turns into bulimia/excessive exercise. It becomes so bad that I actually start to eat my roommate’s food and lie about why her brand new jar of peanut butter is gone within two days. Needless to say, 5 months later, I move back home to the Bay Area to live with my parents and seek more therapy. I am now 21 years old, still 125 lbs.
21st Birthday
My bulimia starts to subside but now turns into just binge/excessive exercise disorder. My days were occupied with work or school and then coming home to eat everything in sight, followed by 3 hours bike rides or 7 mile runs. I recall having a discussion with my parents that perhaps it would be best if there were locks on the cupboards or some type of monetary penalty if I ate too much of their food. By the way never tell someone with a binge eating disorder to just “stop eating”. It is waaay more complicated than that.
At this point I decide to go back to community college (a different one than before) and pursue a fitness degree. My therapist at the time was not too keen on this idea, being that I was using exercise as a tool to counter my bingeing, but with the encouragement from my parents, I go for it. I also decide to get my 200 hour yoga certificate which I complete in 2012. At this point I am now 22 years old.
Running 1/2 marathons became an excuse for me to exercise for long periods of time. I think I did 3 in one year. Have not done one since.
When I ask myself “when did my ED subside?”… I would have to say at age 23. I felt like a lot of things in my life were now in order. I was dating more and being more social (as social as an introvert with horrible body image can be). I also gained an AA, a personal trainer certificate, and a yoga certificate within the same year. I have to admit that I am extremely proud of myself for completing these three things. It certainly does not compare to having a Masters or PhD (obvi), but to have an active eating disorder along with intense anxiety and actually finish something, is no small feat.
I also met my now husband, Ben at age 23. Meeting Ben was a huge turning point. He met me at my heaviest; I weighed 142 lbs. I would never want to admit that a man changed me, but he sort of did. Believe me, he did not fix all my problems, but he did encourage me to take risks which restored my confidence little by little. We moved to Seattle 5 months after meeting and it was there that I started to make real effective progress. I was still bingeing from time to time but I started teaching barre and yoga classes and was starting to feel more content with the way my life was going. I started to lose weight naturally from eating in a more balanced way.
Heaviest weight 2012 (on right).
After moving to Seattle and eating more balanced, 2013.
Fast forward 6 years and I am now writing this blog. There have been some minor hiccups along the way i.e. going back to therapy, but I have not forced a finger down my throat in 5 years, I have not been anorexic since age 16, and I no longer take 3 hour bike rides after eating a piece of cake. I DO still have ED thoughts pretty much every day. I am not sure that they will ever go away 100%. I DO still feel pressure from myself to look a certain way. However, I can say that I am much more accepting of the number on the scale (I now weigh 131 lbs) and am more accepting of my body. My stomach is not flat and my arms are not perfectly toned, but I am healthy and more importantly, happy. Just to be clear, not having a flat stomach is very frustrating to me… but I have learned to not obsess about it. I still struggle with confidence and sometimes feel unworthy, but the difference is I do not feel those things because of my weight; I feel those things because I am 29 years old and still trying to figure out what to do with my life.
2015, 116 lbs
2016,120 lbs
2017,138 lbs
2018, 131 lbs
It has been a long journey and mine is not in any way extraordinary. But I felt compelled to share. I am here to say that it is ok that it takes 8+ years to recover from an eating disorder. It is ok that you are still seeking help from a therapist. It is ok for your weight to fluctuate (and your hair color). I will say that I was much happier in 2017 than I ever was in 2015. It is ok to be recovered and still want to have a 6-pack and be a certain (healthy) number on the scale. It is also ok to achieve those things. It is ok to exercise every day and not eat gluten. It is also ok to not exercise every day and to indulge in cake from time to time. As long as ED is not the driving force. As soon as ED becomes the driver, you have to put on the brakes, get out of the car and call an Uber.
Yours,
Robin