Dear Diary: N(ED) and “starting over”

So lately I have been on a massive roller coaster of emotional eating and anxiety. We moved into our house which is awesome but now everything is stressing me the f**k out. I am a clean freak but now having hardwood floors brings it to a new level. How much dust and hair can one house accumulate every day?! Along with my OCD kicking in, I have massive impulses to binge mainly because my new job sucks. We bought a turtle pie the other night from Baskin Robbins and I devoured it in 3 days. My husband and I made a pact to let it last 10 days… I totally thought he would be the one to break the pact but nope, it was me. So then that of course led me to eating unhealthy for 7 days straight and feeling like complete shit. Sluggish, bloated, irritable, and exhausted were just a few of my symptoms. Also, I was experiencing horrible negative self talk. Not enough to get me down in a depressive state to where I would stay in bed all day, but enough to make me aggressive towards my husband, aggressive towards myself and overall just in a horrible funk. Every day I would tell myself ” let’s start over”…and everyday I would “fail” by 2pm and my mentality went back to f**k it.

What I did do differently this time was not restrict myself. Meaning I did not say, “let’s start over and only eat clean”. My focus was more about eat what you want but don’t over do it. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Yes I failed all week long, but my mindset was much more realistic and healthy. Yesterday for example, I bought granola to eat for my dessert. I have had chocolate all week long after dinner; but one chocolate caramel turns into 3 and then 5. So I decided instead of saying “no dessert at all”, I chose something that would be sweet and more filling: granola. So last night after dinner I pulled out the granola but then thought hmmm “maybe I should have a cider instead”. So I drank a couple sips of cider and then thought “nope, even though I am drinking way less sugar and carbs by drinking this cider, granola will satisfy me more”. So I had the granola with a little bit of yogurt which was indeed more satisfying. I am trying my hardest to do intuitive eating. An eating disorder (especially binge) makes you lose touch with what you actually desire to eat. So being able to eat something because I prefer it over the mentality ” this option is worse or better for me” is also another achievement that I should feel proud of. ***Besides the fact that when you are bingeing, you will eat the very thing that you did desire but not till the very end of your binge. Might as well just eat what you want without all those hundreds or even thousands of extra calories it takes you to get there.

Another thing that I was trying to work on to lessen my anxiety and OCD is asking myself ” does this thought cause me harm? Am I going to die? Does this thought threaten my life?”. For example: thinking about the smudges that are constantly on my fridge from fingerprints. Am I going to die if I do not clean the outside of the fridge? Does not cleaning the fridge going to cause harm to me or my family? Ultimately, are the smudges on the fridge going to have a negative impact on my life? And of course the answer to all these questions is “no”. So instead of obsessively trying to get the smudges off every time I open the fridge, I am working on just doing it once daily. Eventually the hope is that it happens less frequently.

I have not binged since Saturday. Typically when I have “episodes”, I am able to shift out of them once I become totally over myself. Sometimes it takes a couple days, other times it may takes weeks. Being over myself means I am tired and fed up with constantly being negative about my body, life, job, etc. So I choose to think and act differently. I choose to make healthful choices mentally, physically, and emotionally. I learned this past week that today is a new day and I choose to think of it as only that. It does not mean I have to “start over” but instead another opportunity to grow from yesterday.