When you are consumed by ED, nothing is gray. It is black or white. You are either too fat or too thin. You either had a good day or a bad day. There is nothing in between. This can also be referred to as ‘all or nothing’ mentality. This is how I ended up with severe bingeing in the past. One piece of cheese became two and my mentality switched to ‘all or nothing’ and before I knew it, half a block was eaten.
This mentality is still one I struggle with today. While dating ED, you start to label foods as good or bad. So cheese is bad, asparagus is good, etc. So for example, even though I consider myself recovered, cake is still considered a ‘bad’ food. So if I were to order a slice of cake while out to dinner, it would be hard for me to just take a couple bites (let’s assume I am very full) and take the rest to-go to eat the following day. In my mind, it is best to consume it all at once so that I can start over the next day and only eat ‘good’ foods. Sounds ridiculous, I am aware of that, but that is how my mind still at times functions. I allow myself to eat “bad” (yummy) foods and really enjoy eating them, but ED is still there whispering in my ear that I am doing something that I will regret. Even my husband will say to me: “sure, order the cake, but if you are going to complain to me later, I don’t want to hear it”.
Or let’s say I am at a party and I decide before I even get there that I am going to only have one glass of wine. But before I know it, I am onto my second glass. At this point my mentality switches to: “Well I already messed up with the wine, so I might as well keep going and eat this whole bag of chips”. This is black or white. Fail or win. ED is really good at making you feel guilty for trying to enjoy yourself.
I have made lots of progress at enjoying myself when I go out to eat and allowing myself to order pizza over a salad but guilt is still a factor. In the past that guilt would fuel my bingeing or long bike rides. Now I am able to sit with my decision and not act out (other than internal turmoil, which only lasts a couple hours).
My advice and what I am currently working on myself is:
- Don’t define your day as good or bad based on what you ate, didn’t eat or whether you worked out or not.
- Try not to create expectations for your day in regards to eating. So do not go to bed the night before and say “I messed up today so tomorrow I shouldn’t eat breakfast” or “I messed up today so tomorrow I need to go to SoulCycle” First off, over analyzing what you ate today or plan to eat/exercise tomorrow is mentally exhausting, but I also find that if you allow yourself more freedom, you will make better choices anyways. If you confine yourself too much, you are eventually going to act out -overly restrict or most cases, binge.
- Experiment. If you find that this mentality still consumes you, face it dead on. Start with something small like a big bag of Skinny Pop. See if you can have just 3 cups of popcorn and save the rest for later. Challenge yourself to see if that bag can last for 2-3 days.
- Order what you really want to eat. If you don’t, you are more likely to come home and finish that bag of Skinny Pop because you are still not satisfied.
Moral of the story: Just order the damn pizza and don’t complain to your husband about it. Instead tell your dog ;).
Yours,
Robin
This is my dog, Piper. She's heard it all.