I had a total ED moment yesterday. Hardcore. I was teaching two classes in the evening and before I left to go teach, I had asked Ben if he planned on dining in or out. I was secretly hoping he would say that he was going to go to the Mediterranean restaurant down the street. He said he had planned on eating out at…. the Mediterranean restaurant down the street! Yass! I had been hungry all day long and nothing seemed to be filling me up and so I had been craving their Gyro all afternoon. So I asked Ben to pick me up an order and I would eat it when I got home from work.
Within 10 seconds of saying that to Ben, I said “never mind I don’t need it”. ED had swooped in and had said to me “You have eaten enough food today and you don’t need to eat later. You already had an early dinner” (I had had some quinoa with hummus 30 minutes before this discussion, not quite dinner but ED seemed to think so). So I then proceeded to tell Ben to not pick me up anything. Ben knew exactly what was happening in my head and got very angry at me (and ED). So I then changed my mind once again (more so to appease Ben) and said yes to the Gyro.
This is the game that ED plays. He makes you second guess yourself. He convinces you to do the opposite of what you want to do. He makes you feel guilt. Luckily I have my husband to hold me accountable and to help me make the right decision. So I came home from work, ate the Gyro along with two glasses of wine, and of course guilt set in. Again Ben to the rescue.
I will admit that I felt like a fraud. How can I have say that I am with NED, when I have cheated on NED all day with ED?! But honestly that is just the life of someone recovered from ED. You have your moments. You have your days. Like I said in my first blog, I will never be 100% rid of ED. But it is what you do with ED that determines whether you are recovered or not. Did I order the Gyro? Yes. Did I use black or white mentality and eat the whole thing? Yes. Did I have remorse afterwards? Yes. Did I immediately think about what I should eat the following day? Yes. But that is ok because the first step was the right step. The first step was NED. I ordered the Gyro… I ate it …and it was delicious.