Why do I care so much about the size of my stomach or my thighs? For one, I am not a bikini model, two, I do not live south of the equator and therefore need to be in short shorts all year long, and three, my self worth is not dependent on the fat around my middle. I am healthy. I am not by any means overweight. So why do I care? Why should I NOT care?
Let’s back track a bit…
An eating disorder is a choice… so even though in past posts I have said before, ” I would rather enjoy a drink after a long hard day at work rather than not drink to not consume calories”, it does not mean that the ED thoughts are still not there. A person without ED would go into the fridge and consume the beverage and not waiver. A person with ED (or recovering from ED) would go into the fridge, take out the drink, look it over, turn it upside down, check out the nutritional label if there is one, and then maybe put it back only to come back to it 5 minutes later… perhaps with a bag of chips too. All or nothing right? After reflecting on the past year however, I realize how I do this less and less. I eat healthy but eat without prison bars. I make healthy choices but do not choose what to eat based on my fear of fat, fear of getting fat or fear of the fat making me fat.
So what has changed? I think the older you get, your priorities change. You become wiser and more mature. You realize that life is super short and should be enjoyed. You realize what is important. I read a book recently and there is this part where the author is talking about how secretly (but not secretly) the best compliment a woman could ever get is “are you OK? You’re looking too thin.” When did being awarded with “too thin” become something to be proud of? Not only are our own priorities way off, but so are society’s.
ED is very selfish and when you are with ED, all you think about is me me me. When will people like me? When will people tell me I am beautiful? When will I be thin enough to be better than so and so? So when you send ED packing, you realize that being selfish has made you miss out on a lot of opportunities. It has made you bitter and judgemental. ED turns Debbies into downers.
So when I look at my stomach in the mirror and frown, I just say ” who cares?”. Like honestly, NO ONE cares. No one. And if they do care, send them packing too! You might think YOU care enough to keep ED around, but at some point you will not even care anymore. And when you come to that point of not caring, THAT is when you have succeeded. This is does not mean that you do not care about your health or that you now have been “saved” and will no longer think about your weight, but what is does mean it that you are one step closer to finding freedom. I am older, wiser, and perhaps wider, but I am also happier. Happiness wins every time.