If you read my post called “I love you Ed, I love you not”, you will see how over the last 3-4 years, my weight has fluctuated quite a bit (22 lbs). ED had a role in this at times and at other times…life happened. You may think ” but I thought you were over ED and now married to NED?”. I am. But ED sometimes writes me these amazing love poems and I start to swoon over him until NED finds out and burns them.
In 2015, I broke up with my boyfriend (now husband) and moved back to Santa Barbara where my parents currently reside. I was not working and feeling really crappy about my situation so it was there that I began ‘dieting’ and working out heavily. I probably lost about 10 pounds and at the end of the summer I was 116 lbs. (Dieting really just means restricting. I was hungry all the time).
End of summer, 2015
I eventually moved back to Seattle and got back together with my boyfriend. 6 months later, he proposed and I said yes. I got a full-time job and obviously the weight started coming back on which was good because I would never be able to maintain 116 lbs in real life with a real job and real commitments. During the next 9 months, I gained 13 lbs. Gaining weight was easy to do when I worked 36 hours at a desk job. Plus planning a wedding in 6 months is stressful…and I am a stress eater. BTW, stress eating is not an eating disorder. I did end up losing 5 lbs right before my wedding with the help of a personal trainer and eating less.
6 months after moving back. At the time this pic was taken, I totally thought I looked like a chunk. But now looking at it,I think I looked pretty good! Funny (but not really) how ED does that to you.
Wedding Day, 124 lbs
You know how they say after you get married, you tend to “let yourself go”? That sort of happened to me. I was eating out a lot and drinking a lot and loving every minute of it. It was the first time in many years that I did not care that every salad I ordered was already tossed or that my sandwich had aioli on it (and bacon). I even started a love affair with cider, despite the amount of sugar in it. I also started a new job which was stressful to me, so every night I tended to binge on junk food to ease my anxiety. So 10 months later, I found myself to be 14 pounds heavier.
July 2017
Love affair with Cider. Side note: My current two favorite ciders are 2 Towns and Seattle Cider(dry) They both have way less sugar and carbs than other ciders out there.
I started seeing a nutritionist to help me lose weight. She told me to actually eat more. Her theory was that I was actually not eating enough food for the amount of exercise I did daily and that my metabolism had slowed because of it. I was pretty skeptical but open to the idea. After 7 weeks, I still had not lost any weight. Needless to say, I stopped seeing her and decided to try something else. ***I also want to point out some food trends. Not all food trends work for all body types. For a long time, I would consider myself paleo (no grains, higher protein and fats). But I now realize that paleo does not suit my body type. I need some carbs and I need a lesser amount of fat in my diet.
I quit my stressful job, started counting calories, decreased the amount of fat I was eating and lost 7 lbs. Anyone who has been through the chaotic love train of ED, knows that counting calories in a BIG,HUGE,GIGANTIC no-no, as is weighing yourself. However, even when I was anorexic, I did not count calories so for me it is not a trigger. Also, I did in fact stop weighing myself for a good 9 years. The only reason I know I how much I weighed in the past is majority from doctor appointments (and if you have ED you remember your numbers!). But now that ED does not have a strong grip on me, I was able to count calories and check my weight in a responsible and healthy way. Once I became comfortable with my portion control and being able to eye ball amounts (instead of measuring), I stopped counting. I do however, still weigh myself. I find that this keeps me in check and holds me accountable.
I want to be very clear that I am not fixated on hitting a certain number on the scale. I go mainly by how my clothes feel. If I can still button up my tightest pair of jeans without crazy love handles, then I am totally good with whatever number the scale reads.
December 2017.
So remember:
- Your weight does not define you. A number does not define you. Your weight WILL fluctuate and that is OK. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed by it. And always remember that muscle weighs more than fat, which is why going off of how your clothes fit, is a better indicator.
- It is ok to be an ex of ED and still want to fit into your skinny jeans. It is ok to want to lose the weight that you gained from marriage, stress, life, kids. As long as you make healthful choices that are not driven by ED. As soon has ED starts sending you those love poems, tell someone. Tell your friend, your therapist, your spouse, your sister. Let the people around you support you. I am very honest with my husband and tell him when ED stops by. So next time ED sweeps you off your feet, take a deep breath and tell him to f**k off.
Yours,
Robin