Step 4 to recovery? Know your triggers.
A trigger is anything that allows ED back into the driver’s seat. It is also a sudden shift in your mood. It could be a person, an image, a certain food etc. If you are recovering from ED, triggers are things to look out for so you don’t go into a downward spiral. Some triggers you can control and some you cannot. Perhaps your trigger is cheese in which case you could simply not buy cheese. But perhaps your trigger is your co-worker is which case avoidance would be rather rude and also not possible.
Here are a couple of my triggers:
When my dad says, “You look great”. Automatically I think, ” I must have gained weight. I should lose weight”. I have found that for me, since my eating disorder was such a control issue, that if my parents think I look good (which in my head means “not skinny”) then I should lose weight just to be in control again. If they are happy with my weight, then I am not in control. I will say that this trigger is more of a “past trigger” since I am 29 years old now and don’t need my parent’s observance of my body weight to dictate my happiness and self-worth. Over the years I have learned to not overanalyze their comments as much and if something is bothering me then I will speak up. I obviously am not going to avoid my father, so I have told him to not say that comment to me in the past. Although now if he said it, I would just say, “thanks!” because I try my best to not give ED any type of attention.
Another past trigger of mine was reading fitness magazines. Inside I saw all these fit women doing all these cool moves that I had never tried before and ED instantly appeared telling me that I needed to do that type of cardio and that type of weight training. It was too much pressure for me. Over the years, this trigger has become something that I have just learned to deal with. Being a yoga and barre instructor you are surrounded by women who have nicer bodies than your own and who constantly talk about new fitness trends. This one I could not avoid either so instead I decided to just embrace it. Surprisingly teaching my classes is not a trigger. Do I sometimes wish I had a client’s body over mine? Sure. But it is not something that I obsess over, mainly because it goes back to the “who wants to go workout with an insecure instructor?” question. Some triggers you will just grow out of which are the best kind to have.
Another trigger of mine was jam. I know that sounds super strange but I used to binge on peanut butter and jam straight from the jar. I still buy peanut butter because my husband loves it, but I do not buy jam just because I know having both peanut butter and jam in the house could still be a trigger for me if I am overly stressed and want to eat. I am with NED now but I do have moments where ED does take over and for me that means small binges. So for this trigger, I use avoidance. I know avoidance may seem like not the best solution since you are not facing the problem head on, but sometimes avoidance is what should be done for the time being until you can confidently say that your trigger is no longer a trigger.
Triggers can instantly change your mood. During the first few years of me and my husband (then boyfriend) being together, eating out was a challenge. I enjoyed it and we did it often, but the trigger of “eating too much” or being “too full” would change my mood in a matter of bites. Dinner would end up with me giving him the silent treatment and me wanting to go to bed at 7:30pm so that the next day would arrive sooner and I could then “do better”. At first my husband was sympathetic but soon it became a huge issue in our relationship and so I chose to go back to therapy.
Triggers are different for everyone and can affect everyone differently. Maybe your trigger is as simple as hanging out with a friend and they say, “I am so in love with this new Pilates class, I go 4 times per week”, or maybe weighing yourself is a trigger. Maybe your trigger sends you into a depression or maybe you end up restricting too much. Anything can set ED off and it should be a priority of yours to know what your triggers are and the best way to handle them. Once you learn how to deal with your triggers better, life becomes so much more freeing. Having ED is like being stuck in a cardboard box with not much room to move around. Once ED becomes smaller and smaller, your box becomes bigger and bigger and then eventually you’re living in a tiny house with your new love interest NED.
Yours,
Robin