I came upon this photo on my phone the other day that prompted this blog:
I clearly remember why I took this photo 6 weeks ago. I had just binged, was ready to do a quick workout and felt super fat. When I feel super fat, I will attempt to lose weight and so I took this picture so I could compare myself then to now. My attempts to lose weight are typically strictly that… an attempt. I attempt and then realize I would rather drink cider so then I sort of give up. My black or white mentality is on the rise this month. From stress comes “poor” choices which leads me to becoming hateful of my body. I keep telling myself, starting tomorrow, or this day or that, I will try harder. Then my anxiety kicks in and the only thing that calms me down is Beecher’s cheese.
When I look at this photo though, I see someone who is not super fit, but still fit. I see someone who does not look fat at all. In the moment I felt huge. But looking back, I see some flaws, but I certainly don’t think this person in the picture is a cow. In the moment after you have had a binge (in this case), ED makes you feel like you are a disgrace. ED makes you feel like a worthless piece of dog shit. And so you believe it. You believe you suck, you believe you are fat and ugly and the list goes on and on. If I was still dating ED, this image would have caused me much more pain than it did. I would have become obsessed with this image, fixated on my love handles and stomach. Moving away from ED, and finding freedom from it’s tight grip, allows me to look back at moments like these or pictures like this, and think to myself, “hey, it’s not so bad after all”. Of course my mind still says it could definitely use some work (that is ME talking, not ED) but right now working on this is just not my priority. I have had some changes in my life recently and for me, someone with anxiety, I just need to let the changes happen, sit with the changes and let other things (i.e. working out or trying to eat super balanced) take a backseat so I can conquer one thing at a time. If not, I get overwhelmed and then everything takes a backseat. If you are experiencing this in your life at the moment, don’t be so hard on yourself and DO NOT SET EXPECTATIONS. Like when I took this picture, I promised to try harder, to workout more and to eat healthier… it lasted 12 hours. I even set an expectation last night after eating sushi and froyo: ” I am going to eat more balanced starting tomorrow”…along with “no dairy, no sugar, no alcohol”. And guess what happened? I did ok with breakfast but then I saw how much we have to pay for new blinds in our house, and I went straight to my friends, Mission and Beechers. So instead my only goal today is to try to drink more water. I decided to start small and do something that seemed manageable to me right now.
Looking at this picture, reminds me of how far I have come. It sure aint perfection, but at least I am able to look at this picture and not tear myself down. I also wanted to share this picture, because I think most people would think to themselves ” she thinks she is fat? She is delusional”, but that is exactly why I am sharing. Those who have or had ED, experience or see things differently than those who do not have ED. There is a reason why my husband eventually becomes pissed off if I ask him too many times if he thinks I am fat. He sees that I am not, but I cannot help but think that I am when ED stops by after dinner. I am also reminded of how powerful ED can still be even during recovery. ED is always around, lurking in the corners, waiting for an opportunity to pounce. It is important in recovery to understand why ED comes around at times and not at others. ED knows that my anxiety is my downfall and so he comes around when my anxiety is at my highest. Getting over ED is constant work. Do not get discouraged. And if you do take pictures of yourself and still find yourself (or ED) talking shit, try to find one thing about yourself that you do like. And if you really cannot find anything nice to say, delete your selfie, go get a spray tan and retake your picture. If you live in the PNW like me, spray tans make everything better 😉